So, I’m back! It’s been lonely out here in work land, but I’m trying to manage work, sleep, food, video games, a shower, and deciding whether to watch Nirvana’s Saturday Night Live Performance or a clip from the WWE on my computer. But right now, I’m writing. Yay. Now it’s time to write little things about this season that has caused me to feel impressed, interested, shocked, unsurprised, or infuriated. Here goes:

 

The Enigma of the Chicago Cubs Offense

What in the world happened? What happened to the Cub offense? Well, when Derrek “Triple Crown” Lee went down with an injury, taking him out of the lineup for at least two months, the Cubs’ bats, all of a sudden, were afraid. They were afraid of actually hitting without the protection of Lee in the lineup. When the leader of every offensive category (yes, even triples with three) goes down with an injury, it’s time to learn how to hit. Wrigleyville already thought well enough of Juan “The Pride of South Dakota” Pierre, and Jacque “Pronounced JAK-KWEE” Jones to root for these two newcomers. But as of late, Pierre is hitting .236 on the season with 2 RBI’s, and drunk women are humming baseballs at Jones’ face. This is proof that Derrek Lee should have won last year’s MVP award. If he could play enough, he should win it again this year. I mean no disrespect to Albert Pujols, whom everyone is saying is already the winner for this year. But without Derrek Lee in the lineup, the Cub offense is anemic. The North Siders are second to last in the majors in runs scored (148 to be exact, 5 ahead of last-place Kansas City). It’s even making me sick. I couldn’t watch earlier today as Kerry “DL Pony” Wood tied Greg Maddux’s high game mark for home runs allowed this season (with three, just showing how well Maddux is pitching this year), as the Washington Nationals (THE WASHINGTON NATIONALS!!!) defeated the Cubs 5-3 to avoid a complete sweep at the hands of the Cubs. The Cubs just can’t do anything anymore. In the last 22 games, the Cubs have scored 5 runs or more a dismal 6 times (Cub Record in said 22 games: 6-16). The shaky bullpen is one issue. I just want the Cubs to score some runs. It is possible to win without solid pitching, and if you don’t believe me, just ask the Yankees.

 

The Mystery behind Detroit’s Dominance

There are two ways to win baseball games. The first is to average more than 5 runs per game. The second is to not let anyone score, ever. And that’s exactly what Detroit’s rotation is doing. Who would have thought that Kenny “I’m Old” Rogers and Mike “Fantasy Points for Eric” Maroth would be included in the best starting five in baseball? I mean, it’s the Tigers!! Only one pitcher on the team has a losing record, and it doesn’t matter that Todd Jones is 0-1 because he has 11 saves. The Tigers have held opposing batters to a paltry .235 batting average, and the staff has a 3.19 ERA. At the time of this writing, the Detroit Tigers have the best record in baseball. I’ll repeat that. The Detroit Tigers have the best record in baseball. You know what, good for them. I’ve always liked Jeremy Bonderman, and I’ve always felt sorry for Maroth for being stuck on a team that sucked. Maybe they can do it this year. It’s great for Detroit after LeBron James beat the Pistons last night. I say LeBron James beat the Pistons because I honestly can’t name another player on the Cleveland Cavaliers’ roster off the top of my head. But that’s neither here nor there.

 

Number 25, Number 3, and Number 714

Now really, what could this part of the article be about? “Number 25” could mean anything, “Number 3” could mean everything else, but America has “Number 714” etched in their minds whether they watch baseball or not. 714 is the most hallowed spirit in all of sports, and the number is probably more popular now because it’s the second place number. When Hank Aaron was approaching the (by the way, the “the” before this parenthetical is the 714^th word of this article) sacred mark, he endured nagging critics, hateful fans, and even death threats. He finally surpassed the Babe on April 8, 1974, at the hands of Al Downing. As Barry Bonds approaches the now second place mark of 714, he is enduring nagging critics, thrown syringes on the field, and the threat of voiding the validity of his home runs because of allegations of steroid use. Not an actual failed test, admission, or suspension, but allegations of steroid use. I’ve once stated that taking away a so far innocent athlete’s on-field accomplishments would be preposterous, but many believe that any total home runs Barry Bonds accumulates, regardless of what records he breaks, should be tarnished with an asterisk, or even worse, deletion. At least Bonds has the support of the four-time winner of the MVPOTB (Most Valuable Player Other Than Bonds), Albert Pujols. During an interview posted on ESPN.com, the reigning NL MVP said, “People talk. That's their job, to write something stupid without finding out. Like Barry, people are talking about him and they haven't found anything out about the guy. They're talking about making the guy a bad guy. Prove the point first and then you can write anything about it. But before, leave the guy alone.” Seriously, I want Bonds to pass Ruth for second all-time, and I hope he ends this slump he’s been having soon, because waiting for Bonds from a fan’s perspective is nauseating. Every night I have to see little stories about how Bonds is so linked to the Babe. It’ll be the same nausea I’ll feel when Bonds approaches Aaron’s all-time mark.

 

P.S. Something I just read from Bud Selig about the taunts that Barry Bonds has been receiving. After finishing the owner’s quarterly meetings, the Commissioner was asked if he was surprised by the taunts that Bonds has been receiving lately. Selig replied, “I watch it very carefully. I don't like controversy. I don't like manifestations of controversy. There's ugliness and there's nastiness. I would rather not have that. But given the whole entire situation, I'm not surprised at what's gone on. I'm not the least bit surprised.” This, coming from the man who vehemently declared that Major League Baseball wouldn’t celebrate Bonds’s passing of Babe Ruth, because “he’s not breaking any records.” Can we start a “Bonehead Commissioner of the Year” Award?

 

The Requiem of Juan Cruz

I’m in a fantasy baseball league with Asher, Keith, Scott, and 6 other guys who are destroying me in the standings. Keith just released Juan Cruz, and Asher asked all of us to offer our condolences. And so, here is my Requiem of Juan Cruz.

 

Here now we lay the late Juan Cruz
Whose stats this year always gave Keith the blues.
From reliever to starter, this might be his chance!
We all know the truth, that he just can't dance.
Arizona is in first, some respect gained,
But their wicked-hot start is soon to be slain.
Cruz just didn't work out on Keith's team,
I bet the thought of being in third makes you wanna scream.
Andrew's creeping up, don't count him out,
But Capuano for Mussina is what I'm talking about. (A trade I accepted. I think it’s even.)
So let go of Juan Cruz, just realize he sucks,
Pretty soon you'll feel like a million bucks.
If this was harsh I'm sorry, let's makeup.
Offer me a trade, just not with Mike Jacobs. (The guy he got so he could dump Cruz.)

 

So, that’s what I feel right now. If you don’t like it, challenge the opinion. I dare you. And if you have no idea what it’s like to get owned, just ask Tony.